Easy Meditation , it most certainly is not!

I just completed a 40 day 31 min meditation as part of my kundalini training. I was surprised that it DID NOT get easier! At all. 31 minutes doesn't get rushed. My legs never got more comfortable. But I kept at it. I did it 40 days straight. I also recently did white tantric which is an all day meditation with hundreds of people. The longest was 62 minutes, the shortest 31 minutes. My friend said "You must be so blissed out." I said "NO I MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!" It was hard. It felt like gargling gravel. I hysterically laughed uncontrollably and tears were streaming down my face. I cried deep sadness. I wanted to crawl OUT OF MY SKIN and run out of the building. But I kept at it. I continued to look in and focus on my partner's eyes. I did it. I sat with the discomfort, my legs feeling numb, my nerves completely annoyed. Fidgeting, Mind wondering. I welcomed and sat next to my seasoned friends and saw also THEIR discomfort! Even they 15 years in are uncomfortable. It isn't easy, it isn't ever easy. But we keep doing it. It completely strengthens the nervous system, makes for a stronger constitution, that I can feel. I am glad the counting is over, I am also very glad that I was committed and dedicated and completed the 40 days. I will continue, this is a lifestyle choice, this I cannot not do. I am a better human for it. A better mother, woman, person, light being. I was nervous to do the whole day of white tantric, and excited. As I was there I thought" I have no idea what this is doing and it is so uncomfortable but I have a feeling I will sign right back up for the next one" because the results in my walking life are so profound and upgraded, how could I not? I will do it, I am doing it and for that I am grateful.

Addiction and Energy

Think about addiction, typically people associate it to a substance, sugar, drugs, alcohol. But how about all the addictions we have to a pattern, behavior, story, reaction. That stuff locks in and takes hold. It's our go to safe place to fill the void, so we don't feel empty, alone, not valued, insecure. We react, we tell ourselves what comforts us, we believe something over and over. it's imprinted, it has saved us. How about we consider holding the discomfort, the insecurity, the freak out. IT IS NOT EASY. But don't fill it with reactions, over exercising, taking care of everyone, drugs, sugar. Hold it, breath, own it, name it. I lately have been finding I tell myself" OH you want to freak out right now because you feel rejected" and I have to keep breathing and then I watch it go by- like on a train car. Observing it but trying very hard not to lock in to it. I feel rejected but the "other" is not actually rejecting me. Or are they? it actually doesn't even matter. It is just locked in trauma trying to come OUT! Set it free.