Body Image and Other Relationships With The Self - by: Jane Kifer

One of my mentors was telling us a story of a time when he was very very thin. Too thin. No matter how much he ate, what he did or exercised or didn't, he never gained weight. In fact he lost more and more. He was not physically ill, but he discovered something. He discovered that he literally embodied this image he had in his mind that he had seen at one point of a yogi. A very thin yogi. He, in his mind, aspired to be a yogi, he wanted to be (name changed here) Larry Yogi. That was his goal. That imprint in his brain and intention for himself, created his reality. I related to this story in my relationship with money. For most of my life, I have stayed at the same level of finances, no matter how much more I worked or earned, I had the same internal ratio of money coming in versus going out. The balance seemed to stay the same and never get to a greater sense of cushion or security. Over the years many things came up; My mom always had $100 in her account, she communicated that to me at a very young age with fear in her eyes and worry. It had such a great weight attached to it. I always kept $100 in my account. I also realized I really started to make money as a young teen ager, modeling and traveling the world. My mother made me feel awful for it. Pointing out how hard she had to work for a week to make what I earned in one hour or one day. It felt horrible and like I did something wrong. So I kept myself small, at a lower level. But the most prominent thing I noticed after returning recently from New York from a Feng Shui class, I realized things were shifting in my life. My paradigm of what I believed for myself was changing. I could feel it and I could see it, the question was, could I live it? A wave of tingles rushed through my body as I realized, I have received so much love in my life by people feeling sorry for me, needing to help me, because I was alone so young, because my brother was given away, because I moved 9 times in 6 years as a kid, because my husband left me and cheated on me, because I was a single mom. I never acknowledged the vicim part, I always looked on the bright side - not in the healthiest of ways, but I realized a fear that was coming up LOUD and CLEAR, could I still be loved if I wasn't broken and poor? I was cared for and shown love because I literally needed it, I needed help. I couldn't do it alone at 8 years old. It was appropriate for others to feel for me and help me. Now, what if I had a lot of money? OH THAT WAS Scary! But it is shifting and now I realize I can be loved and I can have things! I don't have to feel badly for success- wearing nice things, having nice things, a beautiful home! I was so afraid of my mother's jealousy or shaming, I never allowed myself to have anything. Well now I do! And it feels wonderful. We tell ourselves a story in order to survive at a time but we carry it into our lives and we don't need to. What our body looks like, what our relationship is with money or friendships and partners. Maybe it is an old story and idea that we actually don't need to live anymore, about ourselves or our goals that got locked in our mind at some point to help us at that time, but no longer serves our best interests. Were you shamed as a beautiful young teen ager when you started to grow into a woman? Was it so great that you lived most of your life overweight to cover it up and not make your parent feel badly? We can let it go. It's ok. I promise.