I am Everything : I am Nothing

Oh the same old Buddha mentality. So cliche. Blah blah! Well I have recently realized I have spent a life time focusing on my worth. Telling myself, I am something, I am great (because I didn't actually believe it, I had to say it over and over and hear it from others). And if I am not great or I don't feel worthy, I focus on the parts that are. Tell the story in a positive way. Find worth in your feats and accomplishments. I have done that, done well at that. I have been on the cover of magazines because my face fits some idea of what people say is pretty. I have lounged regularly on Greek Yachts in the Aegean, I have my art featured on TV shows and in 5th ave flagship stores. I had a 4.23 GPA and got a full scholarship and grants to NYU. I actually never considered these things are great. I was happy and excited about all of it, but It was just my life. But others do. They tell me. Then why do I still feel not enough? I have two amazing children. I am a good person with many gifts. When people ask me what I do, I never feel confident in my answer. I have learned to have confidence in communicating my answer, but I honestly don't feel it. Recently in my "jobless" state, (which is completely vulnerable and challenging to even type here ) I have had to sit with nothing, with everything, holding the emptiness I feel. Who am I if I am not working hard? Not controlling things? The emptiness is almost unbearable. It makes me want to move, to throw everything away, my relationship (never my kids) , my commitment to my partner. I want to fill it, but nothing fills the emptiness. So I am left to sit. And be. And Feel. UGH! So I walk. I breath, I read, I listen to the birds and see the plants, I call friends ( I also apply for jobs- but clearly I have another lesson to learn). I do amazing energy work on clients that I get paid for . I love it. But I am left to reflect a couple of statements that ring strong and true for me right now. "I am enough." Period. I am enough. Just me. I was reading Debbie Ford's book, the secret of Shadow and there was something that I was trying to understand just outside of my consciousness about it, and I read these words, "I must embrace both the vastness of my Divinity and the insignificance of my humanity. I must embrace that I am everything and I am nothing." And then it clicked. I was pushing aside the idea of being nothing and trying desperately to project a reflection that I am somebody- whatever that means, that it was as if I was running from myself in fear. What is wrong with being nothing - I don't mean in the self deprecating way. I was thinking of a rabbit hopping and running around field by himself, like I see on my walks. He doesn't worry if he is enough. I am big and tall and capable and was shamed for making money in modeling as a teenager by my mother so I stayed small. I stayed in her comfort zone. That was a reaction. I have been fighting to be famed and prominent in contrast as well. But there was this huge relieving feeling to just say, I can be small and insignificant in a beautiful present way. There is so much less pressure. Just be me. Who I am, I am enough. This has been one of the hardest lessons to learn. All last week I wanted to throw up with the feelings. Literally I wanted to throw up, I couldn't stomach the idea of being empty. I tried to write this post last week but I was angry and uncomfortable and everything I wrote sounded like I was yelling at you! The reader. I don't want that. So I went for a long walk. The other statement a friend said to me is " Everything is changing all the time." This too was helpful, it allowed space for me to breath through the hard hard bits, the parts where I felt there would never be any relief. If that can change, so can I. All the time. Every day. I am a life force of cells and atoms constantly changing. evolving. growing. dying. being born. regenerating. Thank GOD!