Go F&*K Yourself! I LOVE YOU! by: Jane Kifer

Talk about the power of intention, or the power of words, or feelings- all that good stuff. Last week I got into some tangled messes with my boyfriend. UGH! Hard big frustrating stuff! And like the pendulum swinging in both directions, When it got really tough and we were both at our worst, I typically, am sorry, feel badly, try to take the high road and see it from his side, blah blah! BUT THIS TIME, I was taking my power back. I came up with that all on my own. No self help guide here. Yes that's right, I wasn't going to be sorry. I embodied that LAST week. I wasn't going to feed into his bullshit tactics and coping mechanisms. I was going to tell him without words, but with piercing daggers out of my eyes, to GO FUCK HIMSELF! Thats' right. Rather than loose it and yell - which never goes well. I harnessed my hate for the unfolding events and I just kept saying in my mind, " GO FUCK YOURSELF". That lasted about a week. It was awful. It never got better! It was ugly and uncomfortable and blah. Yuck. Then this week I thought, hmmmm maybe I should try "I love YOU" and that was super uncomfortable. Then I thought, ehhhh because it is so uncomfortable that means I really need it. Yuck again. So I said it again. Felt it, thought it, shot I love you out of my eyes like an arrow. Things eased, softened, shifted and unfolded in a kind loving way. We were sweeter to each other. I was pissed that my new adage of "Go fuck yourself" wasn't working and I actually had to embrace something I didn't want- or rather was hard for me, in order to achieve what I do want. Last night a crunchy part came up again. Tired, frustrated, sad, beaten down, and annoyed, I asked to stop the conversation. I went to bed in bed, angry - and thought unwillingly, "I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you." And he walked into the bedroom and held me and had an honest sweet connected conversation. This morning was yet another story, I'm not sure I can do this! So much work! I love you I love you I love you I love you..eh eh eh.... I'll keep trying. I'll need some stamina for this.